


To Eomma

by lone_writer_55



Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Alone, Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Family Issues, Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-24
Updated: 2020-08-24
Packaged: 2021-03-06 02:28:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,759
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25996030
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lone_writer_55/pseuds/lone_writer_55
Summary: To EommaThanxx for being there.San~
Relationships: Choi San/Everyone
Kudos: 37





	To Eomma

_To Eomma,_

_I don't know where you've gone but Noona keep crying in her room at night. Appa isn't happy either and tell me I'm too young to understand what happened._

_I went to my grandparents yesterday, Namhae is so pretty, Eomma. You would love it here._

_Appa said I'll be starting school soon and I'm really exited, even though I miss my friends on the main land. But Appa said I can visit then when we go to the mainland._

_The trees are really tall here and we live close to the coast. Noona took me down to the coast earlier and the sand was really soft. Next time i want to make a big castle, so we can live near the coast, in a big castle, together!  
_

_I need to go to taekwondo practise, so I'll write to you soon!_

_Love from San._

San stares at the letter a little tattered but still in good shape. He had written this when he was 10 and now 11 years later he's looking back at them after finding it in front of his grandparent's house. He sometimes wished he was as naive as he was when he was at the tender age of 10.

_To Eomma,_

_Sorry I haven't written to you much. Noona doesn't like it when I write to you. She said she would tell me what happened some point soon, so until then I will write to you when I can._

_I haven't gotten any replies from the letters i sent you. I'm sure I pu tthe right address on it. This time I'll make sure include the address._

_Over the past week I've been really busy, Grandma will take me to church and I sign with the Choir there. Some people said I have a nice voice and it makes me embarassed. I don't think I'm that good._

_I also got another belt in taekwondo! I'm really happy since i worked really hard for it._

_In school my teacher asked me what I wanted to do when I grew up. To be honest I don't really know what I want to be. Appa said to think about what subjects I like and then go from there. But I dont like many subjects._

_I might do something in chemistry or maths. I enjoy learning about them at school._

_Anyways, I need to go and have dinner. I'll try to write to you soon!_

_love from San._

He had come across this letter a little while after sitting down to read all of them. San smiles at the memories he made and thinks about how 14 year old him and him now are two very different yet similar people.

_To Eomma,_

_I miss you. I've been feeling a little down and school has been really stressful for me. It made me think about your warm hugs and pretty smile. I got a plushie yesterday as a gift from Noona, she said that I like to cuddle things at night which she's not wrong about. I can't sleep without hugging anything. The plushie is a black bear and has the cutest nose. Helps me to calm down and sleep so I'm happy._

_Appa has been going back and forth between the mainland and Namhae for the past week or so me and Noona have been staying with Grandma an Grandda. I've been having so much fun with them and thie r dogs. They're really big and fast! We play catch all of the time and sometimes we play with our next neighbours._

_I found the best hiding stop while playing hide and seek with them yesterday. Now no one will ever find me *evil laugh*. It's in between the big cherry blossom trees, there is a small space that you can crawl into and look out without actually having to peek out. I watched noona walk past a tone of times. She only found me when I left the place and was found in a different place._

_I had a lot of fun but I can't wait to see you again. Then I can show you all of the pretty things that remind me of you._

_I'll wait until then,_

_love from San._

If asked San would definetly tell you that Namhae is the prettiest place on Earth as it holds his heartwarming memories. The memories that he had written about in every single letter that he had wrote to his mother.

_To Eomma,_

_How could you leave like that?_

_Why did you leave?_

_What made you walk out of our apartmnet at three in the morning with a small red cuitcase?_

_Where did you go?_

_What did you take with you?_

_Are you happy?_

_Did I make you happy?_

_Why didn't you say bye one last time?_

_I've been missing you for so long, thinking the best about you. Never anything bad yet you left, just like that. Never looked back once and thought about the people that you left behind yet you continue to recieve these letters._

_letters of my best attempts to include you into my life as best as I can.Yet you do nothing as you sit and stare at my hatred filled words that come straight from my heart._

_I know someone get's these letters. Someone is reading my stories and memories that I had written when I was five._

_Someone had been trying piece together my memories with my grandparents._

_I feel stupid for missing you, I look back at myself and I want to scream to myself that I was wrong about you._

_Just once I would like you to consider your actions and feel guilty about them, just once._

_I leave you with that thought._

_San._

San had written this letter when he had found out about his mother. She had left them in the early hours in the morning. She didn't even look back, not one last bye or even a glance to the family that she was leaving behind. 

San could still feel the hatred that he had written this letter with when he was 13. If someone metioned his mother he would shut them down immediatley not caring if he was impolite or mean.

He was angry and he didn't want anything to do with her. Soon no one would metion his mother when San was around and not question his reaction to when he was asked.

Though he did keep doing one thing.

_To Eomma,_

_I went to a concert a while ago. The happiness and energy I felt there is something that I'll never forget.The music thudding through the ground and into my body, the lights highlighting the stage, the choreography's key point making the crowd scream louder than before._

_I want that.  
_

_I want people cheering my name and holding my album in their hands with pride._

_I auditioned for a few companies and one has gotten back to me. They said that i had succeded in the audition process. I'll be moving to Seoul in a few days and there are already many people there so I guess this will be a stressful journey to my dream but I am determined to reach it._

_No matter what._

_I was very nervous when I when into the building and had left thinking I had failed it but thankfully I haven't. I didn't have high hopes, the only experience I have is with being on stage and performing is through school and church, hopefull I pick up skills quickly as I'm scared that I'll end up being one of the many trainees that don't debut._

_I've got to pack my things.  
_

_San._

San had continued writing his letters to his mothers as he had grown used to the comfort that writing had brought to him. He would write anyhting that he couldn't say aloud. Maybe he was scared to say it, maybe he could and prefered to keep those things to the pen and paper on his desk.

_To Eomma,_

_I've been here for a while at the agency. I found a guy that is also from the country side and we clicked quickly. His name is Seonghwa. Hyung is kind and handsome (also obsessed with cleaning) and said that he had only joined the company a few weeks before me. We talk a lot and feel comfortable as we can use satoori with eachother, the others don't really understand satoori so for now it's our thing._

_I met the leader too. His name is Hongjoong, he has been at the agency for the longest and along with Seonghwa Hyung is the oldest of all of the traines. Hongjoong hyung is funny but also strict and works all of the time._

_Yunho and Mingi as hard to miss when I walked into KQ, they are loud and like having a laugh. Mingi is a rapper and he has a low voice. He looks so cool when he perfoms, he could rock any stage. Yunho is one of the best dancers I've ever seen. He sees the choreo once ad is able to excute it perfectly in one go._

_Wooyoung and Yeosang are like siblings. They have a strong connection and Wooyoung even followed Yeosang from BigHit so the two would keep their promise of debuting together. Yeosang is really witty and honest when asked any question, he also is a living statue._

_Wooyoung is a social butterfly and we hit it off pretty quickly. He is really good at dancing but not like Yunho. Wooyoung put his own twist on things and makes the choreo stand out with his own movements._

_Jongho is the makne, but he looks older than me. His vocal range is insane and his dance skills are really good too. He is quiet but when everyone is shouting and having fun he will also join in. Jongho made sure that I was okay before he went to bed on my first day of being there. So cute._

_I'm really excited for is to come in the future._

_San_

San remebers the day that he first met all of the members as clear as day. He was nervous about being there but they had all been kind and welcomed him with warm smiles. They had all brought his happiness and taught him lessons that he never would have learned.

_To Eomma,_

_I learned a lesson today, with the help of Jongho._

_That there are people always waiting for me to fail. and the only person I can trust is me and those who help me without a second thought._

_All of the trainees have went to America to train for a month, so that we improve in our performace skills. While we were dancing a person laughed when I made a mistake. At first I thought it was a coincidence, but then I noticed the whispers and when I made another mistake they did the same._

_Jongho told me that the person was talking bad about me and then helped me perfect the choreo._

_It was nice watching their jaw drop to the ground when I got picked amoungst the top five._

_But I shouldn't let that get to my head, I need to improve a lot more in many different area's._

_However it's nice to wim sometimes._

_We dance and sing all day polishing our skills and we makes the most out of our lessons , always asking questions and it's_ _tired me out._

_San._

_To Eomma,  
_

_at the time of writing this it is the 24th of October 2018. I have debuted as one of the 8 guys part of Ateez. When we came back from the showcase venue I was in shock. I still am.  
_

_After years of hard work, ups and down. I stood on stage with people that I would call my brothers. There were people in the crowd, screaming and shouting for us. We had so much fun on stage and though we were nervous we gained so much from this experience. Appa and Noona were in the crowd, I couldn't stop smiling when I saw them for the first time in so long. They told me that they were proud of me for debuting._

_Some of my friends came to visit too. After seeing their faces after so long I felt homesick. I wanted nothing more than to go home. But now I can't I have a whole new life set for me. One that will hopefully be succesful._

_We're going to order in for tonight and sleep since we have been under so much pressure._

_San._

San's trips to the post office were significantly decreased when San joined KQ and now he barely even went. He wouldn't be able to deny the fact that he felt guilty about not sending the letters as frequently as he should.

But when he thought about who he was writing to he didn't feel guilty about not writing to them.

_To Eomma,_

_We won our first music show award. We cried a lot more when we got off stage. We got so many calls of congratulations, I'v enever felt so happy, the others couldn't stop smiling and I just had to smile with them. Today's award filled me with so much love and happiness it's hard to describe what I feel as I write this. I feel like I've finally been able to make Noona and Appa proud after they had been cheering me on for so long._

_I will never forget today._

_Never._

_San._

Every win that Atiny gave them is memorable and San feels an intense amount of emotion when they win these things. He was just happy after performing on a stage, singing to his beloved fans. While performing with his members nothig could bring him down.

_To Eomma,_

_We went on MAMA today. Did you see?_

_We won the award for World Wide Fan's Choice and performed in front of so many people including the seniors that we look up to._

_Ateez did well today, we came back stronger than ever, with all eight of us no one can stop us._

_If I were told that I would end up on stage with these precious people, I would have never believed it. And I still can't._

_I'm happy to be who I am because of the people I am with._

_San_

San remembers the night he wrote this letter. He was in his room and Seonghwa was humming a soft tune drifing in and out of sleep as San wrote. The smile never left his feature while he wrote and even as he slept the smile never left.

_To Eomma,_

_We made another comeback. After all of the ups and downs 2020 has brought us we came back._

_These past few months have made us question many things._

_But nothing can compare to when I saw your face in the crowd as we performed._

_At first I was dreaming -ironically-. I kept looking over to see if I really was dreaming as I danced harder to try and see an end to this dream. But no, you were actually there. Smiling and singing along with the other fans._

_We walked off stage and back on ready sing fever._

_In the span of an hour I was able to convince myself that I was just confused and tired._

_Yet you were still there._

_Why did you come?_

_Why did you stay?_

_Why didn't you walk away like you did all those nights ago?_

_Part of me hopes that you answer my questions but the other part of me, the part that has moved on doesn't want to hear or see you ever again._

_I can't forgive you for what you did to Noona and Appa. You put them through hell._

_Whatever you decide to go with that is your choice, pick your excuses wisely._

_Thanxx for everything that you have taught me, Eomma._

_San._

This was the most recent letter that San had sent. Attached was a picture of San with his brothers, a wide smile on his face. San flips the picture over and sees a few words written down in black ink.

**_Treasure the family you have chosen,_ **

**_Eomma._ **

San did hold resentment towards his mother. But at that very moment he felt content.

Happy knowing that she had read every letter he had sent, happy to know that she knew he had moved on.

San looks at the picture with a warm smile, tracing his member's faces with a delicate touch.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading,
> 
> say hi to me on instagram @lone._writer._  
> I love having a chat with you lot!!


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